I'm not a bad person... Honest. I've just perfected a few survival techniques that get me through!
Wine. I have a wine allowance. Doesn't every mum? Gotta budget all the essentials in!
Irony. I yell at my kids to stop yelling. It's how I'm teaching them irony.
Play. I let my kid shoot me with his pretend finger gun so I could take a quick power nap.
Fuckity fuck. I say fuck a lot. Sometimes you just gotta live a little!
Fairy dust land. Where I imagine my ex husband is a piñata. It really gets me through the day.
Mum of the year. I often stick my finger up behind my three year olds back when he's being a right pain in my arse. Yes, yes it does make me feel better!
Wiggles. Free babysitter!
Listening. When my three year old tells me something about something, 80% of the time I tune out and just go into "yes love... Yes love.... Uh huh... Cool" mode.
Boxes. You know those storage container boxes things? I use them as pre visitor storage. You're coming over in 10minutes? Let me just throw half my life in a storage box first so I can pretend my house is spotless.
Cigarettes. I call smoko on my life every couple of hours.
Me. I also call it quits on my Mum life every few days. (Okay, not literally.. But I do get a break)
Work. I often tell my kids I'm working when I'm just chilling out on Facebook.
Sleep. Even if I've had a good night sleep, I'll blame absolutely everything on how shit my one year old sleeps.
Afternoon snacks. I've caught my three year old do things like eating butter out of the container and let him be and pretend I didn't see him.
Reading. I teach my kids to use their imagination by skipping past most pages of a book.
Independence. I don't make eye contact with my one year old when she's independently playing, so I can avoid her wanting to play with me.
Friends. I've made friends with the jehovah's witnesses just so I have weekly visitors. I also gave my postman a gift.. Any man that puts up with my morning shittyness deserves a gift!
Meal plan. Yeah.. I'm all adulting now. My meal plan usually says "at least make sure there's mac and cheese for the kids!"
Lastly,
Tantrums. Pre kids I hated hearing kids have public meltdowns. Now? It's strangely satisfying!
-Harley xx
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